ED

i work in an emergency department. i was made for it. trained by a childhood of family violence, illness, death, poverty and living with 3 other strong women. my position as first born created a role of independent and responsible leader. i learned early to put emotions somewhere else until at some other time i could deal with them. admittedly some of those emotions lived in the dark, starving for recognition and attention.

i love a good trauma. a good trauma is one where something extreme comes in, but ends well. i function really well in the middle of a trauma, calm, focused, and out of the way! at first i was surprised by the way i reacted to trauma. in circumstances that i thought would make me cry...i didn't and events that i thoughts would be no biggie had me crying in my office. now i have a pretty good idea at what will slay me and what won't. i cry most often when someone has no one they can call to support them, when they are basically alone in this world or when young people have to deal with the trauma of someone they love. but i don't cry at most deaths...i know death, we are old friends and it doesn't bring me to tears when it is a stranger.

i was surprised recently when i got angry at someone who had died. it was a death by their own hand and left a family devastated...i'm still mad at them. selfishness comes to mind... as does a little girl in her bedroom, feeling alone and on her own, hiding her feelings and talking only to God in the dark and smiling in the light.