still turning heads...

i was driving to church this morning and a guy turned and looked at me...

all little girls and big girls too want to be thought of as pretty. i never knew if i was pretty and felt anything but all the way through high school. i don't know why...some would blame it on my dad not being around to affirm me in my worth...some would blame teasing in school...others a mom that didn't know her beauty and so couldn't assure me of mine...for whatever reason it was never something i felt...pretty.

in college it was overwhelming and heady when guys were attracted to me...with no preparation i didn't handle it very well...beauty and sexuality were often confused.

today when that guy looked at me i found myself at first thinking i can still turn heads and then just as quickly i realized it wasn't as important to me as it use to be. the only head i want to turn is my faithful loving Father's, who sees me as i am...i want to live in such away that He turns His head and says "that's my girl!"

...for everything there is a season

i was listening to someone talk about seasons...we all know that a farmer needs to plant before he can nurture, nurture before he can harvest, but did you know you have to prepare the ground before you plant? lots of time is spent turning over the hard ground, removing rocks and weed,  augmenting the soil so it feeds the plants and give nutrients to the produce.

i am in a time of preparation...have been for a long time. i guess God started when i was young when He broke through the hard ground of my heart and started removing rocks and weeds that would keep me from growing full and green. i learned that every year farmers have to pull more rocks off their fields that have been forced up from under ground by the frost of the previous winter...cold dark months of pressure that push the rocks up from 18 inches deep. i'm like that ground and much of my rocks have been forced to the surface during cold dark moments in my life. those dark months were awful, heart wrenching times that felt as if it could not get any darker, but the good that God brought by allowing Him access has proven His faithfulness, over and over. He's loved, protected and provided as He removed rock; of pridefulness,  fear, stubbornness...rocks so many more rocks that would keep me from growing fruit worthy of the Kings orchard.

the farmer doesn't only take away bad stuff  from the field he also adds good stuff back in to make the soil richer...and God has been faithful to do that for me too, adding new relationships into my life that challenge me to higher places and grander goals, new experiences that stretch me and make me step out of my safe routine and just the joy of the every day. 

scripture says there is a time for everything...i want to be content in this season...but not complacent.

with success comes risk...

2010 was successful for me... most new years i feel so defeated on New Years Day because although i promised myself to lose all my extra weight by June or by the next Christmas  i would be entering yet another year and weighing more. but this year is different...i lost weight, feel good and successful...and i am so afraid i will stop trying, lose motivation to keep eating healthy and to start exercising. i am a little scared of that right now. i have reached out to a few friends and hope they will jump into AdvoCare with me so they can spur me on...iron sharpening iron.

2011...here we come...what will you bring?

what a wonderful year...

i am happy...

i love being with my boys, our life is peaceful and not too busy...we have wonderful friends, family and church family...my job is challenging, stimulating and meet our needs. God has brought me closer to some special people who have encouraged me to better health and a vision of a successful business of my own.

happy new year all!

tis the season...

jonathan's violin teacher has pretty bad arthritis, but she told us she has had some real improvement and even some reversal using honey and cinnamon. so i am making her baklava for Christmas...

i have never made it before...added some cloves to the nuts and cinnamon to make it more Christmasy and am simmering the honey syrup right now...hope it turns out gift worthy!

do you have as hard a time coming up with gifts for people in your life as i do? i find if we try and think about the person rather than the gift it's easier to find something that fits them quite well!

THE RESULTS!

my soul glorifies the Lord...

today is jonathan's eleventh birthday. he was born on a tuesday and today is tuesday and i think that has made it all seem so close, so recent, so sweet...

when i think of the boys, their birth and our life together i feel like mary when she said "my soul glorifies the Lord". i love being a mom and don't know how i could love them more than i already do. it is a privilege to be with them, to teach them and learn from them. children truly are a blessing and i am so grateful for the two God has trusted into my care...my soul glorifies the Lord!

ED

i work in an emergency department. i was made for it. trained by a childhood of family violence, illness, death, poverty and living with 3 other strong women. my position as first born created a role of independent and responsible leader. i learned early to put emotions somewhere else until at some other time i could deal with them. admittedly some of those emotions lived in the dark, starving for recognition and attention.

i love a good trauma. a good trauma is one where something extreme comes in, but ends well. i function really well in the middle of a trauma, calm, focused, and out of the way! at first i was surprised by the way i reacted to trauma. in circumstances that i thought would make me cry...i didn't and events that i thoughts would be no biggie had me crying in my office. now i have a pretty good idea at what will slay me and what won't. i cry most often when someone has no one they can call to support them, when they are basically alone in this world or when young people have to deal with the trauma of someone they love. but i don't cry at most deaths...i know death, we are old friends and it doesn't bring me to tears when it is a stranger.

i was surprised recently when i got angry at someone who had died. it was a death by their own hand and left a family devastated...i'm still mad at them. selfishness comes to mind... as does a little girl in her bedroom, feeling alone and on her own, hiding her feelings and talking only to God in the dark and smiling in the light.